Control

Rain is a wonderful thing. So simple, so pure, so cleansing and so refreshing. It really is just like working out at CrossFit Swift. Nothing more pure and simple than just lifting something heavy or moving quickly. As I sit here and type I can hear and see and smell the rain coming down. I really do like it when it rains. I'll blame that on growing up in Mississippi. We have some of the best thunderstorms there and days like today make me miss them.

On the outside and to the majority of the world I am always in control. Physically, mentally and emotionally. That's the way I live my life. Everything is in it's place and just so. Even when I work out or play with my daughter. It is the rare sight to ever see me out of control. However to those that truly know me, that control allows me to fully commit myself to whatever I am doing and to give my all. I know right where that line is and I push right up to it and give, give, give. I never do anything half way and always try to find a way to help others and put them first.

Today was a very tough day for me. Things happened that some would say were minor. However for me since I give all I have in all that I do, I tend to be more attached to things. (even if I don't show it) Even the small ones have a part of me in them and that means something to me. Especially if my name is associated with it in any way. I take pride in what I do and wish more people would too.

So after some personal struggles today it was time to hit the gym over at CrossFit Swift.
I knew this one today was going to be tough, just because I was so mentally and emotionally drained from the events of the day. So I walked in and on the board was the following:

3 rounds for time.
Each round complete 20 reps at each station of:
Wall Ball 20
SDLHP 75
Box Jumps 24''
Push Press 75
Row (for 20 calories)

To be honest I was not that scared of it. I guess I was so distracted by the events of the day that I did not really think about how much work that was going to be. The usual suspects where there. Mark, Mason, Tim, Kim, Susan, Laura, Dan and Michael. It was a good group. Of course my goal is to keep up with Mark and Mason. Alas it was not to be tonight - again!

I am not sure what happened but all I know was that they kicked my @$$ by 5 minutes tonight. I thought I was doing ok but as I was 5 wall balls in they both said ''time''. That was it, I could not take it. After the day I had and now this I could not control my emotions any longer. So I had a choice to make -
A: Push harder and finish strong and allow my emotions to take over and then come spilling out all over the place
- - - or - - -
B: Stop trying so hard and just finish the workout with my emotions intact.

Well tonight I chose B (shocker). At the point I heard them say they were done, I shut down and went into auto pilot. My eyes glazed over and my effort dropped to nothing. I finished the workout but I did not give it my all after that point. My time was 23 minutes and some change.

Sometimes being in control of things is not always the way to go. Sometimes being in control is what limits your performance and experience. So what if my emotions got out during the workout. What if I cried and screamed and kept on working because I could not hold it in any longer. What if someone saw me outside of the box I have worked so hard to build for them to see. Well tonight would not be the night we find out.

So I finished and walked outside as I normally do to get some fresh air. As I exited the building and felt the nice cool misting rain hit my head and I took in a nice deep breath of crisp, clean air, my emotions came speeding back. There was nothing I could do to control them now. They wanted and needed to be out. So out they came and I had to let it happen. The one and only thing I could control was if someone saw me or not. So I stayed outside until I gained control again.

Then in a quick dash I ran inside, grabbed my bag and left. The ride home was a long one and I don't remember half of it. I was on auto pilot again. Finally my emotions began to become more normal. A nice, long, hot shower helped too. I think a great shower could cure almost anything.

So now I sit here typing away trying to make sense of all that has happened and all that I feel. That may take some time. The good news is that tomorrow is another day and another chance for me to take control and enjoy every minute of it.